The Art of Self Regulation: What is it? Why it's Important?

“What Lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Introduction:

Self-Regulation is a critical part of our nervous system that profoundly influences our daily lives in the way we tackle obstacles, interact with others and pursue our goals and dreams. Whether you’re a parent guiding your child or an individual seeking personal growth, understanding self-regulation is essential.

At its core, self-regulation involves moderating our primal survival instincts. This ancient part of our brain, once alert for threats like sabre-toothed tigers, now contends with the prolonged stressors of the 21st century.  Unlike our prehistoric ancestors who faced intermittent life-or-death scenarios, today’s stressors are persistent, can leave us feeling trapped in a mind maze of anxiety. often leading us to live more in our heads, cycling through worries, rather than being present in our bodies.

It's time to shift from constantly bracing for imaginary tigers to living fully in the here and now.

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control's one's own mind” - Budda

Self-regulation is not just about managing stress; it’s a spectrum that encompasses our emotions, cognitive processes, and the sensory experiences within our bodies and the environment around us. You can shift down from being too overwhelmed, let your body ride the wave of stress chemicals, be patient and use self- regulation strategies such as intentional breathing to help yourself settle back into your own skin. 

We Are human we need to be aware we will experience all emotional levels and different ranges or arousal.  We all experience being so focused and ‘switched on’ in the moment that time just disappears. And we can also feel being at the right level arousal to feel calm and confident to participate, to feeling under aroused, tired in ‘couch sloth mode’ where getting up to have a shower feels virtually impossible possible.

In the modern world, where the threat of wild animals is no longer imminent, self-regulation is about reducing unnecessary hyperarousal. Chronic stress can disconnect us from our physical sensations, leading to tension in the body. By staying grounded and mindful, we can prevent our minds from exacerbating stress through repetitive worry.

Ultimately, self-regulation is about finding equilibrium. It’s about understanding that solutions emerge not from a state of distress but from a calm and clear mind, from joyful simple activities like walking and having fun. It’s about nurturing a state of well-being that fosters creativity, problem-solving and just being the most ‘real’ version of being you.

“In the pursuit of inner peace, nurture the art of self-regulation; for it is through the calm mastery of our own emotions that we find strength, not in the absence of the storm, but in our ability to navigate through it.”

 – Fiona Luke; The iThrive Guide

Learning About Self-Regulation

1. It's Not Entirely Innate:

The belief that self-regulation is an innate trait, completely hard-wired is a misconception. Our nervous system does react automatically to curveballs, triggering emotions beyond our immediate control.  We cannot command it to alter our automatic reactions to triggers directly. However, self-regulation can be influenced over time by our experiences, specific activities and mindful practices we engage to consciously regain some control.

When our nervous system instinctively responds, sparking emotions, it can catch us of guard, there are ‘on-the-spot’ strategies, we can use to guide our emotional and physical reactions as they surge through us.

In addition, to ‘on the spot’ strategies. building in consistent daily habits that help calm the nervous system are key.  Utilising evidence-based strategies like setting up some structure and routines, mindful moments of present focus where you may wish to engage in breathwork, movement-based activities I.e., running, walking, weights or yoga, and relaxation techniques including visualisation and meditation can be very useful.

Self-regulation is indeed a skill that is refined through practice. These self-directed methods if practiced consistently and regularly are crucial and can support neuroplasticity, changes in the brain to help you cope. Specifically, they help us down-regulate from heightened states of anxiety to levels where clear thinking is possible. Through this retraining, we build resilience, enhance efficiency, and ultimately, enjoy life more fully.

2. Child Development, Social Emotional Maturity and Growth:

The journey toward self-regulation for children is a gradual and progressive one, marked by key developmental and social-emotional milestones and incremental and learning and growth from social and environmental experiences. With the combined guidance of parents and educators, children can develop the ability to understand and manage their emotions, reactions, and behaviors. Effective, straightforward strategies can empower children to learn self-regulation.

Parental support — offering love, encouragement, and the occasional gentle reminder, like “Tommy, darling, we won’t get chocolate today, but I love you dearly and I believe in your ability to find your calm.” Parents can provide a balance of strong support, like a comforting back rub, while also moving away ‘a little’, allowing children the space to manage their emotions independently towards being calmer.

Recognising that children are individuals, it’s important to understand that constantly soothing them in a way that your trying to swallow up their negative emotions and reactions for them may not always foster self-regulation. Instead, guiding them to manage their own emotions after an incident can be more beneficial in the long run.

3.    Co-Regulation:

At the heart of fostering calmness and emotional stability in children lies our human innate capacity to co-regulate to each other. This collaborative process akin to "monkey see monkey do," enables children to learn behaviours and coping mechanisms simply by being in the presence of adults who consciously practice self-regulation. These adults, who are mindful of their own emotional states and the impact of their behaviours on others, engage in habits that cultivate calmness and a heightened sense of self-awareness.

Parents and caregivers who integrate calm self-regulation into their daily lives set a powerful example for their children. For instance, when a parent chooses to remain composed during stressful times and utilises deep breathing techniques, they provide a tangible model for their children to emulate. As children witness these strategies in action, they gradually learn to adopt them, thus arming themselves with the tools needed to navigate future challenges.

It's natural for humans to experience a full spectrum of emotional arousal, from fatigue, not really registering whats happening around them to optimal focus, up to moments where they experience intense overwhelm tipping emotions into anger and rage. The goal is not to suppress these states but to avoid remaining in a chronic state of stress and anxiety. Adults who prioritize their well-being and actively work on their self-regulation skills gently guide children towards finding their own equilibrium and contentment. It’s imperative for parents to understand the pivotal role they play in their child’s development of self-regulation. By embodying practices such as mindfulness, positive self-talk, and level-headed problem-solving, parents not only manage their stress but also impart crucial life skills to their children.

Consider a parent navigating a stressful scenario, who articulates their coping strategy aloud: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, but I’m going to pause, take some deep breaths, and then figure out my next steps.”This simple act of articulating and demonstrating coping strategies serves dual purposes: it aids the parent and provides a valuable lesson for the child, shaping their methods for handling emotions and stress.

While this discussion centres on the influence of caregivers and parents, the principles of co-regulation apply across all interpersonal relationships. Whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, or professional relationships, the way we react and the influence we exert on our own well-being and that of others is significant. Conversely, the reactions of others can impact our sense of self and our ability to remain calm and secure. If you find yourself distressed by the influence others have on you, it’s important to seek support from a trusted friend or a health professional to explore the underlying issues.

Start your own checklist of Self-regulation Strategies to trial:

Here is a quick checklist to get you started with you thinking about what activities you might want to try to build into your life.

• Gratitude Journaling: Shift focus to the positive aspects of life by regularly noting things you are grateful for.

• Compassion Meditation: Cultivate compassion for yourself and others through intentional meditation.

• Regular Self-Care: Rejuvenate yourself by engaging in nourishing activities like reading, taking a bath, or enjoying a hobby.

• Setting Intentions: Begin your day with clear and positive intentions for what you aim to accomplish.

• Time Management: Reduce stress and make time for rest and enjoyable activities by organizing your day.

• Healthy Eating: Support your physical and mental health with a balanced diet.

• Physical Exercise: Improve mood and reduce stress through regular physical activity.

• Sleep Hygiene: Ensure you get adequate rest by establishing a regular sleep routine.

• Digital Detox: Decrease information overload and enhance presence by taking breaks from electronic devices.

• Nature Time: Connect with nature and rejuvenate your mind by spending time outdoors.

• Art Therapy or Just Have Fun with Art: Process emotions by expressing yourself creatively through drawing, painting, or crafting.

• Music Therapy or Just Enjoy Listening To Music or Making Music: Promote relaxation and resonate with your emotions by listening to or creating music.

• Social Connection: Strengthen your Well-being by building and maintaining positive relationships with others.